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Ramblings and Musings

This has been a very strange year for me, in terms of having rejected Christianity. It’s strange because some of my friends have pretty much the same beliefs, but call themselves Christians. It doesn’t work for me. I feel very much like an outsider, and I don't think I could ever go back. It all feels fake now.

I've gone to the occasional worship service, mainly because friends were there, but it is very surreal. It's almost like I died and I'm looking at myself from the ceiling or something.

I feel like I’ve been lied to all my life, and it hurts.

I am trying to free myself, but sometimes I feel like I’m free-falling without a parachute.

I am trying to free myself, but the foundations of my Christian childhood will always be a part of who I am, both the good and the bad.

I find myself quoting scripture because it’s there in my brain, and it helps me make sense of a situation. And those Christian-based phrases: “There, but for the grace of God…”

Someday, I may be in a nursing home with dementia, singing hymns and praying, because that’s the only thing I understand anymore. (“There, but for the grace of God…”)

Those foundations of my childhood led me down a road I no longer wish to travel. I am slowly constructing a new foundation.

As human beings, we need to label things, but the labels all belong to organized religions or agnostics or atheists, and none reflect who I am. Even Spiritualism has a church in this town. But I no longer desire a ritual built around any label. I no longer wish for someone else to shape what my beliefs mean.

So what am I? What do I believe?

I believe in spirits, and I believe in Spirit(s). I believe in the light and dark that exist within each one of us. Our day-to-day struggle is within us. And we get a little help from our friends. And sometimes our Friend(s).

Meanwhile, I live every day, trying to get it right. Trying to choose love. Knowing that I can’t fix everything, but I must help fix some things.

One day at a time.


Apr. 20th, 2012 08:50 pm (UTC)

It's a difficult place to be in. I understand not feeling like you fit into a certain label, holding your own beliefs and not wanting them to be judged and critiqued by others who think, "You should think/believe this way."

Even though I consider myself to be a Christian, I don't have any desire to attend church or study the Bible or any other activities/actions that people think Christians must do. I'm trying to follow my faith in my own way, and trying not to listen to what other people might say about it.
Apr. 20th, 2012 10:14 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't be surprised if your beliefs are similar to mine.

As to being judged, I can honestly say that I really don't give a damn what a stranger thinks about what I believe. I can't say that I've ever had anyone I know personally outside my immediate family voice any opinion about my beliefs (and my parents have not been overly assertive, thankfully). I wouldn't care what they thought, either, but I would be annoyed that anyone who called themselves a friend thought it was their place to say anything.

Sometimes people use the guise of "Christian love" to insert themselves into other people's business, but I've been fortunate not to have to deal with that - except when it comes to the lgbt issues I fight on behalf of others. All that "love the sinner, hate the sin" crap.

My mother is very disappointed. My dad probably thinks I'm going to hell. Since I no longer believe in hell, I'm not too worried about it. ;)


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