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Ramblings and Musings

This has been a very strange year for me, in terms of having rejected Christianity. It’s strange because some of my friends have pretty much the same beliefs, but call themselves Christians. It doesn’t work for me. I feel very much like an outsider, and I don't think I could ever go back. It all feels fake now.

I've gone to the occasional worship service, mainly because friends were there, but it is very surreal. It's almost like I died and I'm looking at myself from the ceiling or something.

I feel like I’ve been lied to all my life, and it hurts.

I am trying to free myself, but sometimes I feel like I’m free-falling without a parachute.

I am trying to free myself, but the foundations of my Christian childhood will always be a part of who I am, both the good and the bad.

I find myself quoting scripture because it’s there in my brain, and it helps me make sense of a situation. And those Christian-based phrases: “There, but for the grace of God…”

Someday, I may be in a nursing home with dementia, singing hymns and praying, because that’s the only thing I understand anymore. (“There, but for the grace of God…”)

Those foundations of my childhood led me down a road I no longer wish to travel. I am slowly constructing a new foundation.

As human beings, we need to label things, but the labels all belong to organized religions or agnostics or atheists, and none reflect who I am. Even Spiritualism has a church in this town. But I no longer desire a ritual built around any label. I no longer wish for someone else to shape what my beliefs mean.

So what am I? What do I believe?

I believe in spirits, and I believe in Spirit(s). I believe in the light and dark that exist within each one of us. Our day-to-day struggle is within us. And we get a little help from our friends. And sometimes our Friend(s).

Meanwhile, I live every day, trying to get it right. Trying to choose love. Knowing that I can’t fix everything, but I must help fix some things.

One day at a time.

Comments

veronica_rich
Apr. 21st, 2012 12:37 am (UTC)
My mother thought my rejection of Christianity was the fault of the religion class I took at university, but that was over half a lifetime ago and I didn't go back from becoming agnostic. She eventually stopped bugging me about it; I could've thought she just gave up and forgot, except she was warning my sister years after that about wanting to date an overly religious guy. "Take your sister to meet this man," she told her. "If she can't stand him or he tries to convert her, forget him; she's fair about people's religion, or lack of. He should be, too." I hope your mother will come to accept yours and not be upset, too. But you've gotta do your own thing.
bonnie_halfelvn
Apr. 21st, 2012 01:35 pm (UTC)
LOL, your mom is a smart lady.

There are four of us kids. I was the last to attend church on any regular basis, so I guess that's why it's such a disappointment to her.

MY youngest SIL is pretty religious, though. She is always buying Christian-based video cartoons for her kids to watch. I think it would be very hard to take them to church all the time. They are a handful.

On the other hand, my SIL's beliefs have fueled her and my brother's prejudice against lgbt people, so you can imagine we are not close. ;-P

Homophobia and religion are choices, and I've chosed not to participate in either. ;-)

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