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Ramblings and Musings

This has been a very strange year for me, in terms of having rejected Christianity. It’s strange because some of my friends have pretty much the same beliefs, but call themselves Christians. It doesn’t work for me. I feel very much like an outsider, and I don't think I could ever go back. It all feels fake now.

I've gone to the occasional worship service, mainly because friends were there, but it is very surreal. It's almost like I died and I'm looking at myself from the ceiling or something.

I feel like I’ve been lied to all my life, and it hurts.

I am trying to free myself, but sometimes I feel like I’m free-falling without a parachute.

I am trying to free myself, but the foundations of my Christian childhood will always be a part of who I am, both the good and the bad.

I find myself quoting scripture because it’s there in my brain, and it helps me make sense of a situation. And those Christian-based phrases: “There, but for the grace of God…”

Someday, I may be in a nursing home with dementia, singing hymns and praying, because that’s the only thing I understand anymore. (“There, but for the grace of God…”)

Those foundations of my childhood led me down a road I no longer wish to travel. I am slowly constructing a new foundation.

As human beings, we need to label things, but the labels all belong to organized religions or agnostics or atheists, and none reflect who I am. Even Spiritualism has a church in this town. But I no longer desire a ritual built around any label. I no longer wish for someone else to shape what my beliefs mean.

So what am I? What do I believe?

I believe in spirits, and I believe in Spirit(s). I believe in the light and dark that exist within each one of us. Our day-to-day struggle is within us. And we get a little help from our friends. And sometimes our Friend(s).

Meanwhile, I live every day, trying to get it right. Trying to choose love. Knowing that I can’t fix everything, but I must help fix some things.

One day at a time.

Comments

bonnie_halfelvn
Apr. 21st, 2012 06:08 pm (UTC)
I think that for the most part, I know which parts of Christianity I will keep in my heart. What I'm struggling to let go of is the anger at those who have fed me the kool-aid and at myself for drinking it for so long.

It's like a grieving process for me, and I have not reached the acceptance phase yet.

For the most part, I feel most spiritual when I'm singing and when I'm in nature. For now, I will embrace it when I feel it, and leave it alone when I don't.

Thanks for the invitation. I may take you up on that.
ravennaneroon
Apr. 22nd, 2012 04:12 am (UTC)
The door is always open.

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