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Ramblings and Musings

This has been a very strange year for me, in terms of having rejected Christianity. It’s strange because some of my friends have pretty much the same beliefs, but call themselves Christians. It doesn’t work for me. I feel very much like an outsider, and I don't think I could ever go back. It all feels fake now.

I've gone to the occasional worship service, mainly because friends were there, but it is very surreal. It's almost like I died and I'm looking at myself from the ceiling or something.

I feel like I’ve been lied to all my life, and it hurts.

I am trying to free myself, but sometimes I feel like I’m free-falling without a parachute.

I am trying to free myself, but the foundations of my Christian childhood will always be a part of who I am, both the good and the bad.

I find myself quoting scripture because it’s there in my brain, and it helps me make sense of a situation. And those Christian-based phrases: “There, but for the grace of God…”

Someday, I may be in a nursing home with dementia, singing hymns and praying, because that’s the only thing I understand anymore. (“There, but for the grace of God…”)

Those foundations of my childhood led me down a road I no longer wish to travel. I am slowly constructing a new foundation.

As human beings, we need to label things, but the labels all belong to organized religions or agnostics or atheists, and none reflect who I am. Even Spiritualism has a church in this town. But I no longer desire a ritual built around any label. I no longer wish for someone else to shape what my beliefs mean.

So what am I? What do I believe?

I believe in spirits, and I believe in Spirit(s). I believe in the light and dark that exist within each one of us. Our day-to-day struggle is within us. And we get a little help from our friends. And sometimes our Friend(s).

Meanwhile, I live every day, trying to get it right. Trying to choose love. Knowing that I can’t fix everything, but I must help fix some things.

One day at a time.

Comments

finarfiniel
Apr. 21st, 2012 11:09 pm (UTC)
That's a tough place to be in. :(

There are some great aspects of Christianity, and part of it (as well as parts of all religions) that do so much good in the world and provide guidance and help to people in need. And there are also the bad parts, and even more so the people who give their religions a bad name.

I wouldn't worry about trying to define or label what you believe or where you fit in the big religious scheme. You know in your heart what's right for you, and that's what's important. *hugs*
bonnie_halfelvn
Apr. 22nd, 2012 12:24 am (UTC)
The good thing about the most predominant churches is the infrastructure they've built to help people. The United Methodist Church has a huge presence in Haiti and Africa, among other places. They were already there when the earthquake hit Haiti.

The bad things are too many to mention. The Church is power, and that power has been abused and continues to be abused today. My post on the latest doings of the Catholic Church spells out just some of that.

So I have no doubt I've made the right decision for myself.

Thanks for the support. *hugs*

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